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christmas trees, memories & growing up

Aaron and I had a great time visiting both sides of our family for Thanksgiving yesterday. We got home today and decided to put up our tree and start decorating. He tried to put on cheesy country Christmas music but my music won again this year. I've listened to Amy Grant's christmas CD's since they first came out in 1983. I was one.

For the last couple years, we've put our wedding cake topper on the top of our tree. It's a Precious Moments one. Got through that just fine.

Then I started pulling out ornaments from 1982 and I could feel the tears welling up. Then the "Breath of Heaven" song came on and I just lost it.

It took me instantly back to the many times my friends and I did a dance to that song on Christmas Eve at St. John in Anchorage. I LOVED Christmas Eve at St. John. I would go to all 5 services with my dad and play piano or dance at some of them. My heart always overflowed with love & beauty as we raised our candle on the last verse of Silent Night. We would lock up the church around midnight and walk outside as snow was lightly falling.

It catches me off guard when certain memories are so strong & vivid.

I cried tonight for the awkwardness of growing up.

The difficulty of making new memories & traditions.

The tension of spending 22 years with family, doing everything together, depending on each other for fun, arguing, laughing and memories. Then marrying the most amazing guy and figuring out how to start a new family.

I thank God I married a guy who's patient with me while we continue to figure out how to do this. It's hard sometimes.

How do we live in the tension of remembering the past & appreciating it, but not waste our present trying to recreate the past?


dave said…
One of the beautiful gifts you give the world is your transparency. You try to be real with God and yourself. I, too, have those memories but they are your childhood memories which often have greater power. I feel blessed to be part of the giver of those memories for you, Ryan, Lauren, and Jeremy.

I love you!

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